Till further notice

Few more updates till I really go into hiatus mode.

Acceleration

New found motivation to

1. Get my malay improved
2. Get maths done everyday
3. Study and revise everyday despite the slack environment in MI
4. Get transposition done and printed
5. Learn and internalize all major, minor (nat,melodic,harmonic), pentatonic and dominant 5th on the clarinet and piano (for visual aid)

And my sem 2 resolution in place (but for what reveal this to the public)

Things to look forward to

1) Chumpa’s Birthday!!!
2) My Birthday
3)Getting pilot study done
4) PEIYI’s concert next friday (thanks for attending my concert btw!   )

And Claudia, my top girls commentary is still with you!! TSK

6) From the successes of the concert and the well received queen symphony,  Sale of Queen Symphony by Sembawang Wind Orchestra Live Recording is available! I’ve listened to it and its like OMG quite nice!! Can’t believe SWO’s playing sounded abit like the recording from Royal Philharmonic, and at some point I THOUGHT THERE WAS A CHOIR. ooh, phantom choir during the concert. And guess what,I’m not the only one who heard the choir effect!!

It lives on

Coming back to school today was very symbolic. Because it felt autumnal.  And compounded onto that fact is that we were going through a literal analysis of the two poems that some did for the mid years. It was about death. But it was about life too. The first poem was moving. The poets attitude is as such : resignation of what has happened, shaped by fate but holds the spirit of carpe diem. And then it ends off  ambivalently. That itself is life. Everyone was silent. Everyone was hoping not to repeat the same fate the occured a year ago. They really want to pass it this time. Amidst the silence you can sense both the hope and regret in everyone. Regret because judging by the answer schemes, we speculate lower marks than initially expected. As for me, I really hope what I’ve put into during the holidays materialise properly.

These past few days have been reflective and suprisingly emotionless and nonchalence for me. I have an unprecedented want to be ever more cautious. Hearing too much death stories in that time period isn’t nice, be it from the news, from a poem, from a fiction, from a true account. But it serves as a timely reminder. It never occured to me life can be so delicate, so fragile.

I went home after school to catch some 40 20 winks. I watched the movie the day after tomorrow.

Jason Evans: What do you think is gonna happen to us?

Jack Hall: What do you mean?

Jason Evans: I mean us? Civilization? Everybody?

Jack Hall: Mankind survived the last Ice Age. We’re certainly capable of surviving this one. All it depends on is whether or not we’re able to learn from our mistakes.

Knowing the survivors triumph over the odds and adversities, warms me inside. It gives a glimpse of hope to us, to others and all mankind. What Jack said had just punched verismilitude in our lives, metaphorically. We had our past challenges, socially,  spiritually etc. It really put me into perspective of the miles my parents have went far. Broken families are of their past, and the lives that we live today is a testimony to their efforts. Good food on the table, a proper bed to sleep, and a stable household.
And upon hearing moments of death and other unpleasant occurences , turning the matter onto its head, its a new life. Its simply the cyclical forces of change. For the spirit of ourselves is like one of the phoenix rising from the ashes, rebirthed. It may not literally be the death of life but the death of happiness, hope, vision, or faith. Because subsequently, it is just new found happiness, or hope or vision or faith. Not identitical or similar, but the gurantee is better.

As for myself, my dreams were shattered into million bits with rejection being a bitter pill to swallow.  Without it, I wouldn’t have gained new vision – seeing something ordinary with new pair of eyes, or even changed my ways.  Or has it?

I am a numbnut

Because I am numb yet a nut. Ok that didn’t make sense.

I’m feeling glad afterall. Its because maybe I need this afterall. I don’t really wallow in my dreamland that much. I mean I still fantasize, hope and wait for the special one but its not as hormonal as the one I had in the early 09. Its probably subjects that are close to heart never should be dealt with in my case. I just need a good wait.  Perhaps not at all a wait when I  don’t think I should be getting one either. Though I still wait to grab her palms, squeezing it in comfort. Knowing I can seek solace in her and vice versa, discovering the depth of each other but sometimes I’ve always been quite like

like that.

anyway drifting into the future, my parents are going to go to m’sia, which leaves me literally home alone with my brother in the camp, I think that really spelt F-R-E-E-D-O-M. and also spell no more having to fear having catching me naked in the bathroom with the faulty door. I think someone should fix things right in this house. And they are gone right…hmm. Maybe I should get more money as an excuse to sustain myself and fix those bloody things for once and for all. I don’t really know how to put it but as much as my father suppresses, I can see a child in him. Like how he tends to procrastinate doing things which don’t really bother him.

The house can be still awfully noisy for such an ulu setting in sembawang. I don’t know what traumatic experiences Sembawang has faced over the past 10 years. I still remember snuggling up to my dad’s embrace because I fear the ‘lurking’ pontianaks and the ultra-solemn quiet sembawang back then. But I guess when it gets urbanised, it loses more of its ambience (heh, I still can recall blasting my clarinet solo of star wars during 11ish when I was in  sec one and I kinda heard the neighbourS echoes of complaints) and yes Sembawang used to be as quiet as the prayer room (which once i fear praying because I had that imagination a pontinak was lurking around. Now what has sembawang turn into? A place where mats frolick with their hats worn dubiously to show off that it can store alot of air between its top and the space between the hollow heads, when bangladashi workers recklessly sped their bikes (and i meant really really fast), where PRCs speak so loudly in the Macdonalds, and where the roadworks are still on even at this hour 11pm.

And for me walking in the house naked/half-naked, the fear has never change because of lurking pontianaks that might rape me.

What’s the point of this post again?

Chillin ^^

You should know why I’m happy and excited. Because Ive just printed Aaron Copland Clarinet concerto from esplanade lib and I thought it is hard to be found. Anyway, I finally got a breather. Now chilling at Starbucks with Gary and Love(isthe)Movement Alif. Turns out that Gary is flirting with the idea of playing a concerto for Symphonie V. I’m only flirting with Serenade for Clarinet and band or Nikolai Rimsky Korsakov (boring).  Aaron Copland Clarinet concerto can wait till I’m 22-ish.

Anyway take a breather when you need it people, because you don’t know when is the next time when you actually do.

Ow, 12.01am

Those emo songs worked.
It irritated the hell out of me finally so I decided that when I’m feeling bored, I will occupy myself and not listen to emo songs and stone.  Yes not even emo just stone.

Ive been feeling such a numbnut today. I became like a drifting aimless wind after my Econs paper. (which was boring and i speculate..sigh average score). I planned to go to pastamania but I decided Iwant the city escapade. Fine, went to the city and wanted the 7 buck set meal from Pizza hut from marina square but went to have Beef hor fun instead. Went to esplanade to  erm. pen down some thoughts but I guess I was kinda exhausted after the paper (and holy fuck it wasn’t even a 3 hour paper) I guess it was the ONS with my Restaurant City and its increasing alarming how im turning into an RC geek. Maybe because I have no friends and/or my friends are effing busy with work consolidation. So I stopped studying, decided that i had too much CO2 and aircon gas in my system so I went to the atrium to get some corn-cup and slacked by  the waterfront. Tried sleeping in the train back home but ended up stoning again wtffffff.

So Ive not studied anything this week, just hope I don’t screw up badly. And if I can be terribly bilingual in 14 hours, it would be of the awesomeness miracle I’ve witness for the MT oral. I am not going to chronicle the oral examinations. Last time I heard, shawn’s classmates for Chinese O’s was about aliens and spaceships. That was abso-fucking-lutely epic. If they are coming out about cultural stereotypes, perhaps i can champion that.

*Huge Gasp of depravity*

I NEED TO HANG

The paradox of excitement

For the record, I need to feel proud about something

1. I am less apprehensive and relatively more adventurous
2. I hooked up new contacts on my msn with interesting personas (though not far from ordinary)
3. Managed to remember the songs I used to like when i was 13 (before the proliferate classicals)
4. Being such a fag wasting this day away.
5. The sky is always blue (Yea told you Im being a numbnut today)
6. Watched TV.
7. Knowing
   

   that this serves my moments of epiphany. Funny epiphany OOH HALF-RHYME

8. Knowing he has bigoted friends and he is rigtht
9. Knowing he is not in any way better er just shoot me

My life should be less of a drag, maybe thats what my JC friends have been complaining about and I can see myself in the same boat. AS MUCH AS I WANT THE A GRADES badly, I want to start life afresh. Again -.- Don’t you know the holidays spells fat lazy and unproductive?

With pocket money deficits, the lomocam, or dslr remains a dream

I still want it

ACJC collegiate debates coming. And I speculate after common test.
I guess its time to move on. No more stagnating just because there are no debate trainings. No more vegetating because I don’t believe in stopping what I’ve just learnt. Its meaningless when you start to get something right and then you don’t do it anymore. SMUN reminded me one thing, as much as I like making friends and being intellectually challenged. I want to gain new grounds in debate. We may have almost no platform, but I think we still can work this out.

Perhaps, maybe Nelson could coach future batches. And I’m willing to make this work

For you

And I hope it never ends

Mixed

Lets start with the negatives first (and i hope i don’t sound incoherent with my thoughts here and there.)

• My life is full of this – People don’t like it when I get onto their nerves. But when I try my best not to or even not getting on their nerves a single bit, I feel like a punching bag when people will try to find faults with me and resent my presence. It sometimes feel like I’m never right or never was in the first place. Fikri = wrong.
• A cumulative mix of anger and sadness. Anger, because I find myself trailing on the same problem again  with people making it harder. Don’t call me selfish or anything or whatever, in fact, I can be nice. I can go all out to help you, ensure you are alright, even having to see you everyday in school. But I compromise my pride, my self-importance too much for others. And I can’t help but feeling a deep emotional wound when people call me tactless. II feel nothing else but injustice. Angered at myself, because I allow myself to be pushed in this situation. I never vented my anger at anyone. Why am I such good diplomat?

  Sad,  because perhaps, I have no friends at all.  Hi-and-bye friends don’t count. And just when you think you have the proper one to trust in, you don’t feel the trust reciprocated. In fact betrayed even more. I don’t have someone I can rely, trust, confide. Because of the mounting accusations, I feel villian-ish. If you really hate me so much just leave me alone.   I don’t need false hopes. It is perhaps my fate to walk on this journey alone then.  Actually I can live with it I’m also kind of tired in entertaining such people. Because I mean nothing to people.

• “At least you don’t bow at the direction of Mecca right”, “Aiya, food is much more easier when there are no Malays around la”.
  I just simply got nothing to say. I really have nothing to say anymore.
• If things cannot work out in a convenient manner, I just have to make it right myself. I cannot escape the fact I’m turning adult soon. Warranty, service, whatever admin work, I just have to make it right myself. I cannot rely on anyone whom I think I can do the work anymore.
• I do shoulder blames not of my own. I may help people, but its getting too much. I don’t do “cover-ups”. I feel more of an asswipe now. I do not wanna explain for other people when they cannot explain theirself or making someone understand situations anymore. Bloody do your own bloody work. Cause its your future anyway
• I thought you are interested, and it means alot to me that I do so much since you are interested. I guess I was wrong.
• I really need to be alone. It may sound ego-ist, selfish, self-absorbed, yadda yadda. But its too messy now, and if it starts to be foggy, I cannot see through anything anymore. Also i want to be alone. I want to re-think my life again.
• I miss SSW. If only I have more freedom with lesser commitments. Sorry. Sunday trainings may be intensive,  but Saturday trainings have special saturday feeling. But no one is too old for SSW!

Positives

• Thanks people for coming to my concert! A new bunch of friends who are not musically inclined yet willing to come anyway. Nelson, claudia, doralyn, jian wei, pei-yi you guys rocks
• Loved the concert. Queen may have underscored certain emotional baggage again, but it also gave me another glimpse of hope I can invest in.   It, in some obscure manner, put me to see certain things in another light.
• Now I can fully concentrate on my studies full swing.
• Thanks people from SWO for the warmth when I needed it. It kinda cleared some worries away.
• Happy birthday Jian Wei! Its not everytime you turn 18. Enjoy while it “still” lasts! We hope the donuts, the presents, lol everything was worth it.
• Quite pleased to see people around me getting happier.
• Looking forward to the chalet!

Looking back…

Ive been digging the locked blog for entries in 06 07..etc.
As much as I realised some of them are superficially childish, some of them seems very sentimental. Experiences are what shaped our lives and mature as we go along.  I still have a bittersweet feeling about my blog post. Some parts of the blog was quite incoherently obscure. I couldn’t remember why was I ranting in that manner. But anyways, I admit, my secondary school days may be ok on the studying side, but the social factor was quite a tiring journey. Some moments are so blisfully happy while some others just quite dejecting and depressing.  I can’t really remembereed what I feel back then but its good to check through the earlier pages of our lives once in a blue moon. Long story short, I cannot see myself the same person I was back then. The semblences are quite few actually. At least, in the current day and age, I managed to control my emotions better with emotional maturity.

Yep, a walk down memory lane.

For one, I had the capacity to do alot more than what I should have done. I didn’t realise how bitter I was because of what I perceive doing so much more for a friend and being bitter at the world for the injustices done to me. I guess thats what kinda shaped my individuality, but not selfishness. I remember how I related one of my friends to be the closest friend, but never understands the situation I’m going through, let alone, empathise and listen. Another just label me as a friend, in fact, bullying me with names all the time. Why was I quite a meek, target-able person? On another level, my old blog speaks of me not being malcontented and such a bitter pessimist all the time. I was still daring to meet new friends and change my lifestyles and habits. I guess I was in for a change in 07. There were fine happy times too. I will just post up some, extracts of it.