Detachment? Distance? im biting my upper half of my lip as im typing this…of course there is an element of subversiveness, so much that it stares me in the face..

Its merely only the third week of school. But the last 5 days wasn’t the best of my time..what was it i wasn’t ok of? Detachment is not a good excuse. Going into class with mr wong saying i looked daze was explicitly bad enough. Do I need… coffee? Energy? And contrary to most who offered their opinion, im not tense….at all..

I do not have to be close to someone to talk about this now. Do i need my time alone…again, so much that I build up invisible walls again to know where am i heading again? Is it a step forward when Ive already smashed it down being more of a social human being last holidaays. Or is a throw back to the dark ages?

I believe its not an environment of school, though i become highly critical of too many mindless ramblings lingering around my presence and ive never bothered to utter any word about it. Do I need a change of social circles? It alwayS seem that there is a clear boundary between circles. Its logical really, we become so attached with one another that we feel the need to move on together. I have no problems on this, till it becomes ambivalent again.

Do I have to bother? As usual, im detaching myself so well that it seems I can analyse so logically clear why im feeling this way…But i could never explain how distraught, appalled and hurt I’m feeling, nor can i take on recuperative steps to alleviate myself out of this.

I guess I miss the holidays. Or..

Happy New Year…

It has been a memorably beautiful and dramatic journey for 2009.

Hello 2010

(more…)

Yes I know, it has been a long time since I blogged. Especially in a narrative structure. And even if I had to pen down any of my pensive and contemplative thoughts all the time, I would already have it published best-seller in Singapore

2009

A year has passed. Contrary to what many have claimed that this was a fast year, for me it is the otherwise – it was one of the most colourful one coupled with a lot of drastic changes,dramatic roller-coaster rides, year I’ve ever had in my life. I delved into alot of new experiences and issues this year, made new friends, rebonded back with the ones from my past. So much so that this can be composed into a symphony/epic novel *tears* – and not something of ephemeral value and stowed away into the back recesses of my mind . Haha, I’m not really that full of myself.

School Life
Someone has to kid me if they are not saying school life didn’t shape their lives at all

As such a student like myself, we were used to the normal routine in life. We go to school, wait for the assembly to start, go for lessons, look forward to breaks, panic during tests or upcoming ones. More panic when the promos are coming. Cringe at the sight of pull up bars, shower after PE, have dinner together, go home. Pretty much routine, but routine isn’t exactly normal for me this year. Every morning when I wake up and don in my smurfy blue uniform, I have to sometimes prick my bloody finger on a stupid dangerous pin-needle of a badge. No, its not the badge you have to put on the left collar on your uniform, its a supposedly gold bar that you put above your left pocket (if you are lucky enough not to prick your nips). Yeah routine taken on another level and I’m not talking about just putting on a council badge. Its going to school or rush to be in school to do your duties….BUT lets not go there now..
08A1 – Yes same class, new people.

To be openly frank, I wasn’t very optimistic of this new class, even so I had differences with some of the orignal A1s that were in our class. But with the new people in and after the eliminatory stages of common test it was a heck of a fun bunch of 15. It was a far better class than what I’ve seen in 08. How can I not be proud to say that we are the best performing class for the arts? It wasn’t an easy ride though, endurance is key (especially you have to go through this graded curriculum under the a levels -PW). Working with Nisha Salmah and Derek was fun but drains alot of energy and mental will. I mean life has really taken on a new different perspective on things with projects, pilot studies, reports. And shed a new light on another character as well. I still can remember having lunch breaks at the cafeteria with hearing Nisha bitch upon a common group member – who does little or no work at all.  Patience is indeed a test of time spent with an awful character as well. But upon introspection,  we were surprised that there were truckloads that we hear whom are very displeased with that member.  Haha yeap. Other than that, Ms Zaibah was a really cool home tutor (although I silently and rampantly disagree with her dispostion and outlook of others but..) really helps us alot in our work. How can I forget the tormenting pains just being beside this stupid Nisha. Heh But i have my fun times…

Me: Eh, come *beckons*
Nisha:  What? *comes closer*
Me: Breathe in! Breathe in deeply….
Nisha: *Sniifffff*
Me: I just farted….

How can I forget? Waiting after PE lessons after tuesdays to hang out with Champa, Laurent, Melvin, Kar Yee, Joyce Fiona, to have dinner during the 1st semester (before the dispersal for the A level race). We would talk just about anything. Joyce would disturb me and I gave her the silent stare…her never-ending mockery of “PIMPLE” every morning.. Talking about anything related to school, the group laughing at melvin (Especially the way KY insulted him)…Yeah, good times.

I would wait for Champa on Sembawang Station and contact Melvin when we are reaching admiralty, Champa racing her history/lit essays…studying with them for common tests, staying overnight at Melvin’s place to consult him for PW…Having a Champa’s birthday party at Laurents house, my failure at Karaokes. And not to forget Joyce, haha though we had out conflicts in the past, we shared our life’s regrets, life stories and opinons…a very comforting soul who gladly sat there silently beside me while I watched the whole world crumbling upon my hands and I broke down in class (upon hindsight it was a year crush), oblivious and not in the frame of mind to think what others might think about me. Thanks for being there!

It always seems like scoring good grades for econs, being top 2 in cohort for literature/history and top 10% of the cohort remain a remnant of 2009 glory. Yet I ponder why was it very effortless given that I didn’t need to study very vigourously. Perhaps it was really a year of epiphanies?

And of course it wasn’t all easy though. Commitment seem to be a test of my endurance. Like a manifestation of a dracula sucking every pint of blood from my soul. Council, Debates, and the Italian exchange (albeit fun) really taken a toll on my energy/time…. Hosting is not an ordinary feat (considering MIDCs and intensive debate training was on that day)

Japan Trip

Who can forget the fun gang on the trip? It was the best 5 days I had in November. I always love indulging in a foreign culture. Although I need to regain my honour though. Can you beleive my luck on the last night being called ultimate babi TWICE – having to wear Nisha’s pyjamas as a forfeit and going down to the lobby and asking the counter for water. I’ll just let the pictures do the talking. Who won’t forget the post-japan trip outing.. Dinner at 18chefs and party at supperclub!

SMUN 09 Clique

Usually at academic events, I would just go back and relish at the thought that I gained something from this. I was very wrong.  It seems that the friends I made from this,  we are closely keeping in contact.  Jian Wei ( HCI-USA), Nelson(ACJC-Indonesia), Claudia (NJC-Mexico), Doralyn (NJC-Somalia), Pei Yi (ACSI-Japan),  Andrew(NJC-forgot what contry). Perhaps it was upon my luck that I got invited to go on a post-SMUN outing at the end of day 3? Haha and Jian Wei had to sneak out for MUNs! I guess we will never forget cycling at ECP, playing Shoot Shag Marry, Truth/truth, Never Had I ever. Also for attending our concert, Jian Wei’s birthday surprise, Peiyi’s Guitar Orchestra concert, studying econs with claudia haha. And of course, the liberty frolicking around J8 in the holidays with Jian wei and hanging out at his pool and talking about every thing under the sun!.. Of course  there was Yee Shuang whom I spent alot of late night chats and Elin Wong at times (when is not very sarcastic and abrasive in her words :[ )

SSW/SWO

SSW turns 4! and in about months, it would be 5...

Queen Symphony

Who wants to live forever? I still can remember playing the symphony on stage, focusing on the music-making that speaks so much yet suppressing all the tormenting emotions i have to handle in that period of time. It embodies so much I wanted to express. My first kiss. My rediscovery of myself. The period of torpor and the period of moving on where it remains as mere memories locked up at the back recesses of my mind. It was an awesome concert really.

And yes I’ve made new friends (despite my introvertedness). If I were to think about it, it has been a year since I met Terence and he helped me alot in my clarinet playing. Especially this november-december period, where the three of us (Jeff, Him and myself) would go to fishball for dinner and Macs for Ice-cream. We would talk about anything, how I really didn’t have it easy back in my days of CSS band (which inadvertantly made him appreciate DHSSB and Mr Ng more haha). And the 3 of us would talk about the nice pieces, symphonies, SYF pieces etc.

And of course Jeff.Evil.Kwan….

Though I know him since..(er can’t remember actually) we’ve really taken the time and effort to hang out more often this holidays. Its really a healthy way to release all my pensive thoughts (though I’m running low on them sometimes) and we have alot of fun pensive thoughts and we just happen to share the same interest! And talk alot of nonsense no matter where we are, Northpoint’s Starbucks (given we live quite near), the swimming pool, Christmas Eve Party, and also at his place! I didn’t really thought I would hang out with someone (erhem..looks younger than his age) and we can talk about anything, and actually make time to hang out. Not like my friends who are relatively my age,  more free but couldn’t make the time to hang out. It was only this morning we were having lunch at a kopitiam in Yishun…

More to come..

I am not exactly a fan or a captive of other’s thoughts or lifestyle. But once in a while its fun to involve myself in the daily lives of others. Me for instance had my holidays well spent, especially with Jeffery with the convenience of distance. There wasn’t any jarring difference in the way we live, and more interesting than ever,  we share the same interests. Speaking about interests, I almost discovered an exact carbon-copy personality of myself and it happens to be one of my smun friends after acquainted for six months. Scary? Interesting? Excited? Apprehensive? Intrigued? Perhaps a mix of all of these. 2 same shared personalities in different societal context and experiences. I knew when I first met him he is an interesting person, its going to get a helluva more interesting now.

In fact we kinda meet up last Saturday out of sheer boredom and we would talk about anything under the sun. Talk about upbringing, I’m sure we had almost the same upbringing. I still can remember the primary school days I had to endure the lengthy (and highly ineffective) tuition which just gave me work and leave me none the wiser. I seriously didn’t know how I got myself into tuition. I was sure I wasn’t stupid – I could answer almost all of the questions in class, homework. Yadda yadda. But all these homework piling up from tuition (more from tuition rather) just gave me the desperate call for freedom. It was quite similar that both of us had our limited freedom (my mother was smothering really) and mounting pressure. I mean seriously we were just kids!  On hindsight, I didn’t know when I left tuition was the right call in primary 6 given that it was my crucial year. I once had a classmate in the same tuition and I was consistently better than him without. Tuition in essence, hinders progress at that time, and the tutor’s qualifications are dubious in fact.  I mean I had 90 for Science without help. Sometimes I didn’t know why my parents relented to my demands of no tuition at all that year unlike most parents do. Looking back, I was very daring to do such a thing my age. I didn’t know whether was that a glimpse of my maturity or was it another one of my rash, and hasty decision to long for freedom.

Well, he on the other hand, had to obey his parents. And wouldn’t dare do such a thing. In fact he didn’t had console games in his life with such an totalitarian upbringing. I could daresay we might have different social upbringing that shaped us into similar beings. In addition with the lack of freedom I had, I grew up seeing myself the necessity to distance myself from Lan/console games because I was addicted to it at such a young age of primary 5. You can guess that both of us did grew into boring, uninteresting beings, with time spent nothing, killing our imagination to have fun.

That aside, I didn’t realise how stupidly creative I handled my own life when I was young. A sad thing though, I didn’t know what a vagina was till end of primary school and he discovered it in secondary school. You’ve bet by now that as I grew up, the only thing left was my semblence of innocence – my face. Yes, oh dear.

Reminiscing about primary school, I can’t wait to go back to school.

But sometimes going back to school is such a bittersweet experience. Its not about the teachers or the workload exactly. Remember how you had your PW and you didn’t really like working with some people especially they are horribly incompetent and gave uninspiring excuses? Yes, not that I had any grudges for anyone, and actually I have none. And I was usually the one helping beyond my needs…till this year. But sometimes I am too scared to wonder if people in my school would make it to the As. Not to say that I am showing off cause I do actually help people in every ways possible. Just that it really makes me wonder why are some people are just so pathetic. I mean 2 years in school you could not even analyse and evaluate properly (let alone at a higher level with more sophisticated argumentative handles), you are just really wasting your time. Yet in the end they are my friends, to worry or to neglect at this year? I may be selfish at this stage but I won’t compromise on my honesty. I’m going to look forward helping solely myself (and a selectively others if its easy to help). Charity starts at home anyway. Those who are not from my school would also find these characters extremely pathetic and superficial, you don’t know what they have really learnt while growing up.

Lets talk about something else other than school.

This holidays was a blast. I did so many things I wanted to accomplish (though I am a tad dissapointed in what I could have done).

This morning, I got the liberty and time to try to swim again since lightyears. So I met Jeff in the morning and head to the Yishun Swimming Complex. There was a jarring difference to what I used to know when I was younger. Perhaps when I was an adolescence everything seemed infinitely big. These kids are so lucky they installed a slide now. Since I already know freestyle (clumsily though) ,  I was struggling with the breaststroke. Yeah its hard when I don’t really breathe properly. Its like Silent Hill underwater…It was taking alot of my stamina…It was a  really nice day to swim really. And the milo and prata after that…therapeutic!

Have been building up walls for years and had been maintaining it so professionally. Maybe its time to let the forces of fate and change to let it tumble. All these years living in the safety comfort zones in social circles, time for me to make my true release. Of course there is another wall awaiting after every demolishment. Where do we stop anyway?

Thanks Fiona and Joyce for attending our OP!

2 days before the math exam. I did only so much, but would it reciprocate into results? How to tell my confidence apart from indifference? If I’m confident, its a good thing right? But I’m fearing its the otherwise. Some of  the days prior to this was not productive at all.

I hope it would be as easy as the 2007 paper and maybe about the 2008 paper. Thus far, I am going to convince myself, that I am capable of passing. But if I want to achieve much more, I need to try harder questions. CUT DOWN ON CARELESS MISTAKES.

It will be nice if both my PW and Math would reach A standards. Mr Chew sounded convinced of my EOM and I&R. Our WR will be alright. I know we did our best in OP, as quoted from Fiona, “I went to support fikri’s OP and they were really good(: awesome!” Ok. Thats reassuring. No more PW and Malay =)
2 more days to pwn maths. Actually I will be contented with a C/B  which is substantial. But am i settling for less when I can do more?

*Handphone Vibration*
*answer*

Me:Hello?
Little Girl : HEEELLLOOOOO DADDDYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
Me: O.O ..
Me:…
(Damn freaky, since when i got a daughter) ..
Me:…uh……wrong number.
Little Girl: DAAADDY???
Me: O.O wrong. number.

Just non-descript and vacnt.Yet I didn’t know why I stayed throughout.

There is only little reassurance,

or none at all,

knowing if you get there,

trailing on a journey,

alone.

It dawned unto me how the bus and autumn share alot in common. One of it is transition. Transitions are inherent in both. And such is life.

Until upon further introspection, it just scares me of being able to handle transitions well or not. You have taken a bus with your companion. Perhaps, someone you know. Perhaps also a person you connect with, journeyed through the rain or storm. The more you ride, the more you grew closer and got on more fond being besides each other. Little does one wonder, as ultimately, you belong to different worlds.  Buzz the bus-stop button, you know one of you will alight first. One down, and the other, and another.And another boards the bus, and another and another.

We may not walk the same journey home. We just hope our paths converge in future.

A level Malay next monday. I felt confident I could do better but the enthusiasm is oddly not there. A level H1 maths in 2 weeks time and I have consolidated as much as i know. PW is coming to a close and that should make me happy.

It has been a while since promos. Its very annoying if I want to apply for H3 (despite the red tape in the school) and if the system devalue the potential of the student just because it may jeapardise his H2s…which contrary to the fact that it is very complimentary considering the subjects are inter-linked but I just have to explore more dimensions. If i make a calculated guess, my H2s would be BBC, and hopefully a C for GP (which my year 1 GP thought that was lackadaisical considering I’m cut out to acheive a B grade and beyond). I have to confess, I still do wanna take H3 research paper MOE-NUS HSSR but usually the school says the the school don’t offer it, and the school will say no student has ever done it before and hence the basis for rejection. In history, Kar yee and Jon were capable students who ought to be given A CHANCE. I shouldn’t see why shouldn’t I if i want to take H3 history considering I got high A/low B for history for Promos (raw score) and had been getting no lower than Bs for major exams since year 1s. It may not be easy, but an attempt at it would constitute 1 more unit which makes me eligible for a scholarship…even a teaching scholarship which ive been eyeing on.  Red tape? Its no wonder people who have a chance in MI are really jaded by options. Those who can’t do well have limited options, in prospect of advancing or retaining of course. Those who did well (and exceptionally well), are jaded by options by the school full of skepticism. For all I know, my JC friends couldn’t have done better than me in year 1 considering I covered more topics and in depth. So I really don’t see why is there so much limitations when a student clearly has a passion for and has a minimum aptitude for. Contrary to the school’s programmes, they want us to realise our talents in CCAs also and that is quite parochial in fact.

But other than that, it has been at the back of my mind. PW and Maths have been dominating my life since. Facebook remains my favourite waste of time and I just downloaded GBA emulator to play pokemon yellow / pokemon firered.

And after that 14-19th of November….JAPAN..

and i will be enjoying life after that. I hope.

I’m not sleeping now nto because I’m worried but rather feeling pensive.

I’m surprised that I’m coping better than what I set out to do. In this month, I’m preparing for 3 major H1 examinations compared to my other jc counterparts who has only 2…or even only 1 in that case.

Dreams, you let go some, you get new ones. But there are still some reason (or none at all) to why I hold on. Its funny how my simple dreams are the ones I think of everyday, instead of the humongous dreams.

I know in 7 hours time, it might be the turning point for the year 2 cohort. I hope things work the best for everyone.

And you came to mind again.

I know when I think I cannot improve the silence, its best not to talk.

…Somehow I thought I could believe, and wanted to. But sometimes when it gets ambivalent. It seemed like an misinterpreted intention.  Yet the last statement seemed clear enough. Sometimes I don’t know what to do, to judge and rationalise or to stop and empathise, or just do not care about anything at all. Even so, was I wrong in venturing/harbouring into such ideas…? I would allow myself to believe if you allow me to.