The written Chronicles

Turns out there wasn’t any seismic shift. Only that the knowledge of it changed.

I reach school so late even for my standard. 7.45am. Usually its about  before 7 so i can study? Anyway I should stop being self-conscious and move on to doing things I do for the good of myself. I really want the exams to be done and over with, but I don’t want it coming too early.

I need a new hobby

Maybe I should empty some part of my gray matter over here. Its getting kind of saturated up there and gosh I NEED some emptiness for new epistemological purposes! I guess this would be the side effect of taking a break from almost everything. Ya Fikri is taking a break but does it mean he is experiencing a withdrawal, no? If this is a kind of post you think I am going to emo all over – you are probably wrong. Just simply put it, I really need my thoughts to be emptied after weeks of constant revision.

Wanted to change my background of my lap from the SSW photo in the esplanade concert hall to some verdant scene. But I guess the sea is fine. It wasn’t a real need for mirroring my identity anyway – for the previous, I just felt like a black speck on a measureless counterpane. Where is THE Fikri? who am i? (Yep those were the thoughts running through me) So yeah, felt I need a fresh new “view”. The tranquility beats everything else.

(This feels disorganised. Like when was I ever)

Hmm,

Fikri went to school today with nothing much really happening in the morning. Whether or not he is in the right mind – he signed up for the OBS form. Then came PE gp econs(was expecting our test results back but..) and LIT.

So yeah Fikri decided he doesn’t need to always settle for Best (considering that the marks he felt wasn’t well-warranted! I didn’t even read the book) Ok, theres no need to delve in his paranoia in mantaining tops for GP and LIt all the time. Was it even paranoia – more like a muddle like Honeychurch’s. Ah but wait, we have to be open to possibilities right? Maybe he wanted the Italy trip so badly, maybe he wanted to get H3 lit badly. So it wasn’t about getting tops at all – it was about himself not motivated to score for near perfection (even epitomizing at higher levels). He may not know at this stage (and its not the councilor/debate attitude internalising!) but just that maybe he needed a new zest of motivation. He needs his Ice Latte. Maybe there weren’t any silver bullet at all.

Anyway for much of his life there wasn’t quite a muddle – though he keeps staring into blank space in solitude, brimming of thoughts. And there he was thinking about Plato’s allegory of the cave when he could jolly well get his econs concept right. And ah, there is malay and math too. The fiendish subjects that never fails to haunt him. All starts with an ‘M’. I forgot there is music to him – He has been neglecting his clarinet – hopefully there would not be any phantom termites-eating-grenadilla hording inside. O_O

And then to think of it, maybe MI been the best place for Fikri afterall, sure he could have the chance into some lower tier JC but what would he be against? The juggernaut VJC RJC (heh, Sarah was from there), TJC and maybe AJC (Joyce was from there), and not to mention the prolific AC. What cutting edge would he have in 2 years in comparison to them? Probably it will be like some insignificant weirdo thinking he can do well in regurgitating arguments in the history essay that leaves him none the wiser. Anyway if he get a good result enough, that doesn matter but i see some foreshadowing internal conflict in him again. Circle of life.

So Ramadan for him? He could have sworn in discontent that it would have been a failure – for his jihad was well, incomplete or just doomed to fail. In comparison to last years, it seems that he kinda lost his malcontent voice (which is major in his nature that lost overtime due to self-censoring in the knowledge of the presence of other ’superiors’ Yes, you might think that realm of repressing have serves him good, but its just him being a pseudo. In other words anything but himself) So where does he have the courage to speak up and stand firm in his fervent belief? Why is he feeling ultra restrictive? When he grows up ,does he grow into a the complicated web of self-consciousness entwined with scrutiny or more of open-mindedness and virtue and integrity. Back to Ramadan, it seems the spirit is just lost, reduced to no more than just fasting.

—Heh I think you know im changing narration now)

In one week to come, the fate of promoting is not an issue to me, but to promote with quality remains a question. It is blatant obvious i want that place for speech day next year.

Well for the past few months, lets just say some things are not meant to be recorded in history. I still have a clear memory (for now) of what happened – birthdays, competitions, etc etc.

This problem doesn’t end – I’ve yet to find a sense of belonging there. The times i had were purely ephemeral

Thats it for now.