I'm cute but my mother loved me so much she had to dress me in pink. Look how fat I was.

(more…)

Realise that my blog is kinda vague in most of its content?

You've only seen the surface - beneath lies the core of my soul.

Well thats because I only want a portion of it to be read by parties at time or hinting to another party if in a case they caught the hint. I have a long story to tell and it from then on I can move on.

(more…)

According to professional statistics

THERE IS A STALKER READING MY BLOG EVERYDAY or ALMOST EVERYDAY, for the MOST of THIS YEAR

Fikri:…

… RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNN

Yeah you can tell I have a "long story" to tell

There is a new meaning to the title.  Usually people peg this to some sop stories. I had a wonderful day today. Had rediscovered myself. A gigantic part of me has been born. I have a long story to tell, everyone has, but my long story is a story why I’m happy. But lets cut it short, because I don’t see the need to let the negativity of the world affect me. Its just a small entity lingering. Yes I may feel angry and sad at times, (sometimes at the same time), but these too are positive emotions! (when they are temporary). Yes you guessed it, Fikri went to the hypnotherapy session. After that, I felt that there is a complete opposite of a terrible headache, I feel more in touch with my self, my child-self,  and yeah. I have another view, but its nice. Going to practice what I’ve learnt. I really can’t describe how great my day was, it is a long story. =)

Yesterday, I had a chat with a friend. It may had been on a sticky topic – love, but I wouldn’t had to be if many of us on earth are to be open and honest about it. He seems to be pinned down under this subject while on the other side, I am feeling very much in it. I think I finally found someone to relate and connect to, but thats just one facade. I may be noob at this but I want to feel it for her. Its the first in my life, I found a “double”. I see myself in her. Hopefully she does. Well, to that ‘friend’, love don’t just circumscribe to certain conventions. There is a reason why people learn to love and rediscover ourselves through that. It extends to all - parent-child love,  teacher-student love and such. I didn’t knew that until I visualise myself talking to a child 14 years younger who happens to be my past, and he was lovable and he still exist inside me (i may sound narcissistic but,) I strongly believe its the truth within in almost everyone, everyone was lovable first and never that much despicable.

Ah, I wish there was more to express, but words itself fail to speak the meaning at times. Yes I feel calm, one of the first i feel relaxed and focused.

Part of me wants to tell the story to the whole world about some incident in my childhood which blighted my life forever. Part of me wants it to be hush-hush. At times I get the feeling my deep dark secrets are known, and others not. Still undecided… Sometimes its best not to know myself.

….Don’t tell me you don’t have a deep dark secret, one that is traumatising enough that haunts you for life… and the feelings recur at some points of my life… But sometimes it is what it is, one’s reality is another’s  surreality. I am no more than just another organism on earth…

(I just realised I  added too many ‘…’ in my prev sentences. Guess it says alot on the state of my mind and spirit)

I went for self-practice today and it was tiring and above that, depressing. I kept thinking (with the lousy feeling) how much I could have done when I was younger in the past. I get the feeling I was just stuck in a moment in time…not progressing. And when I’m stuck and everyone’s moving, I’m actually regressing.  I spent the whole day wandering alone outside. Actually kinda defeats the purpose : instead of taking my mind of things, it just simply added on. Can you imagine the feeling, the thing you have been doing for more than 4 years turns out to be wrong and having to relearn things as you were in sec 1 yet in another dimension – the correct one. It pains me to remember Ive done it wrong and wasted my time for 4  years. It sucks to be me sometimes.

…

Man is born free, but everywhere he is in chains. – Jean Jacques Rousseau

For the first time in a very long time I had a chat with a friend over a phone and lasted 1h30m... yes that long. It felt nice but awkward. Ive always wanted to open up but theres this chain that restricts myself from talking and expressing the amount I want. After a while, I  get the feeling I’m feeling not myself…..fake?..no.just….not myself. It was as if i am not deprived from socialising – when actually I am. I long to connect but when comes to the actual situation itself, I can’t. I want to understand, .but  I don’t. I want to see, but I can’t. Guess when I thought I had a ‘view’ – I don’t. I feel like an ‘it’ because im acting like one. Humans know,  understand, feel, love and be loved, care, emphatise and symphatise, help and learn. How much am I doing all these things anyway (no wonder I’m not getting it in return). So much so, I ain’t human. I’m an ‘it’. A vacant figure lingering on earth. Sad isn’t it.

..

..

..

..

I didn’t know when I sandwich my head between two pillows/a pillow and a bed. I feel quite secure because I feel the presence of the want I am longing for is coming.  But kinda sad in a way it isn’t in reality.

Although its 8pm, I want to sleep to drown my sorrows.  Monday Blues indeed.

So yeah, tickets available from me. If you buy from someone else YOU DIE. ….

So my exams ended last Monday. Hopefully I will reap what I sow. Yes I know somethings could have been better but sometimes things are beyond my reach. And my holidays are kinda packed. SSW Symphonie IV concert (as above), MISB concert, OBS, Intensive Debate training for next year’s MIDC, student councillor stuff,  etc etc. HOPEFULLY I DON’T GET SICK.

So Fikri finally got what he want, Plato’s ‘The Republic’ and Dicken’s Great Exaggerations i mean.. Expectations. Its really time I get out from the muddled minds of a female protagonist. Its too much mellodrama, events that seemed poignant but not supposed to be. I mean, I like T.o.D, no doubt, but it seems kinda absurd with due incessant use of Fate and Mischances. Heh, Talk about ‘Room W. a View’, its major flaw is somewhat prevalent and ludicrous too la. Seriously, how the heck do I travel to Italy, acquainted with someone in a Pension and then meet him again in my hometown and get muddled between choices. But simply, the reality in my life is no further than that in those fiction, I keep bumping into people (more often people I’m trying to avoid =D – don’t worry, if its not you, it isn’t). But I guess Hardy and Forster are people trying to convey that sometimes our lives are controlled by Cruel Fate (Yes, Capitalized, personified).

Why is my blogpost uninspiring?!?!?!?

I NEED TO BREATHE! GASP.