The written Chronicles

“that won’t change anything right?”, he asked, dazing at the vacant ceiling.
“Uh?”
“Our friendship…”
“Of course la”

I still remembered waiting at the lift, moaning from the bad posture of my sleep. It was a sleepy town, I never felt so alive when the blocks towering above engulfed itself in an unprecedented hollow silence. When I looked at the time,  it was paast 5.30am. Ive never looked at the estate so intently before, like what a book made me pictured,  the blocks were like giant and dark with repose. I’ve never been bothered with anyone’s judgement, but his caught my attention.  He didn’t had any judgement and that was what was naturally comforting ephemerally but in the long run, its just too fishy. But nothing of that matters, as we had memorable fun times together, with my emotional life thrown out of my concern, I was not in any frame of mind to egotistically defend or even oppose any ideals.I just live….I think

But long later, it was what confusion that creeps in again. Not in a dramatic but a long pondering question to consider. People have perceptions of my identity. But I don’t even take notice of my own. As I came into realisation that certain happiness was temporal, I only just need a simple distraction from the confusion in my mind and the slight ache in my heart.

Call me Fikri the strange, as the confusion and slight ache faded with a simple distraction. Quite positively surprised, because its a good change afterall. But a little doubtful. It was just too quick for a person my self. It was one week and that is all it takes to distract. Doubtful because I need to have a focus. Like some sort of lofty goal. If there was any lofty goal in the first place.
We embrace changes because for the want of it. Social landscapes do shift, from the family you are brought in, to the place you socialise,  and even coming together for the love of music.  No matter how much it changes with age, our emotional and sentimental attachment to a place, or someone doesnt. But it grows a little  ambivalent at times. I remembered catching  glances of his eyes noticing myself intensively, either directly or from the reflection of the MRT windows. Ive always wondered what it meant. Ive always wanted to know answers. Answers to where we truly belong or whom to belong, to begin with. If we identify ourselves through someone, whom should we begin with?

So a week has passed and our conversation remained solely professional. Not even a word of anything personal or intra-personal. Perhaps that was where it has begun in the first place and never really has to go far beyond that. But for a person who is living a largely an individual and solitary life, I was kind of worried. Perhaps we need to identify ourselves through others. Not just via labeling(knowing) our characters but understanding each other. I don’t have an answer still whom should we begin with.  Just live life where we feel comfortable. The best part is as we grow, we had assurance in keeping with contact. Thats all that matters.

Really.....

(more…)

Amidst the hours of ploughing through pages, chunks and walls of text, with jumping numbers, is the huge promise within. The pressure to meet or exceed our expectations. The will to soar new heights. The will to yield to the sore pressure, even if it is to come out with thousand island blemishes or emaciated.

But other than just our ordinary lives, we do have unexpected encounters. The epiphany you get in dreams or  showers. And I am a good ambassador of that. A happy one too. When life is rigid and square, bend it. I never have to wake up dreading to bukit batok ever again.  Because you do have something to look forward to.The reason for where you are now is the choices you made yesterday. Embrace your choice.

Don’t let past resentment hurt you, Let it be like a watchful reminder. Let it deter future mistakes and not replicate. Find meaning, and if it is boring, find new meaning to it. You are what experiences shape you and not shackle you. If it shakled you too much, then its not worth remembering. Embrace changes. Embrace new habits.

Most of us have glimpses of how the  way we enjoy life and happiness. But the thought or even the planning it self suggest how microscopic we are in enjoying the most of our lives. Euphoria resides in superflousity and not in rigidity. Just let it flow though the arteries of your mechanism.

The study of history made me understand why people are unhappy but not why people are.

The study of literary study amulate how people are happy but   you are a mere voyuer.

The study of economics may show when and the relationship of happiness to another variable, yet perhaps in theory right.

Happiness is not another studying discipline. Just because its hidden doesn mean you have to search for it. Let it come to you and don’t let logic in your way of happiness. The best theories are commended with nobel peace prizes. The happiest pursuits are unexplainable. Don’t ask, just embrace it.

23 May.

One of the few, out of the blue romantic moments Ive ever had. So much so I still can feel it now.

I need to survive the next 7 weeks of intensive studying. Hope I can will pull through.