The written Chronicles

ACJC collegiate debates coming. And I speculate after common test.
I guess its time to move on. No more stagnating just because there are no debate trainings. No more vegetating because I don’t believe in stopping what I’ve just learnt. Its meaningless when you start to get something right and then you don’t do it anymore. SMUN reminded me one thing, as much as I like making friends and being intellectually challenged. I want to gain new grounds in debate. We may have almost no platform, but I think we still can work this out.

Perhaps, maybe Nelson could coach future batches. And I’m willing to make this work

And I hope it never ends

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Lets start with the negatives first (and i hope i don’t sound incoherent with my thoughts here and there.)

• My life is full of this – People don’t like it when I get onto their nerves. But when I try my best not to or even not getting on their nerves a single bit, I feel like a punching bag when people will try to find faults with me and resent my presence. It sometimes feel like I’m never right or never was in the first place. Fikri = wrong.
• A cumulative mix of anger and sadness. Anger, because I find myself trailing on the same problem again  with people making it harder. Don’t call me selfish or anything or whatever, in fact, I can be nice. I can go all out to help you, ensure you are alright, even having to see you everyday in school. But I compromise my pride, my self-importance too much for others. And I can’t help but feeling a deep emotional wound when people call me tactless. II feel nothing else but injustice. Angered at myself, because I allow myself to be pushed in this situation. I never vented my anger at anyone. Why am I such good diplomat?

  Sad,  because perhaps, I have no friends at all.  Hi-and-bye friends don’t count. And just when you think you have the proper one to trust in, you don’t feel the trust reciprocated. In fact betrayed even more. I don’t have someone I can rely, trust, confide. Because of the mounting accusations, I feel villian-ish. If you really hate me so much just leave me alone.   I don’t need false hopes. It is perhaps my fate to walk on this journey alone then.  Actually I can live with it I’m also kind of tired in entertaining such people. Because I mean nothing to people.

• “At least you don’t bow at the direction of Mecca right”, “Aiya, food is much more easier when there are no Malays around la”.
  I just simply got nothing to say. I really have nothing to say anymore.
• If things cannot work out in a convenient manner, I just have to make it right myself. I cannot escape the fact I’m turning adult soon. Warranty, service, whatever admin work, I just have to make it right myself. I cannot rely on anyone whom I think I can do the work anymore.
• I do shoulder blames not of my own. I may help people, but its getting too much. I don’t do “cover-ups”. I feel more of an asswipe now. I do not wanna explain for other people when they cannot explain theirself or making someone understand situations anymore. Bloody do your own bloody work. Cause its your future anyway
• I thought you are interested, and it means alot to me that I do so much since you are interested. I guess I was wrong.
• I really need to be alone. It may sound ego-ist, selfish, self-absorbed, yadda yadda. But its too messy now, and if it starts to be foggy, I cannot see through anything anymore. Also i want to be alone. I want to re-think my life again.
• I miss SSW. If only I have more freedom with lesser commitments. Sorry. Sunday trainings may be intensive,  but Saturday trainings have special saturday feeling. But no one is too old for SSW!

Positives

• Thanks people for coming to my concert! A new bunch of friends who are not musically inclined yet willing to come anyway. Nelson, claudia, doralyn, jian wei, pei-yi you guys rocks
• Loved the concert. Queen may have underscored certain emotional baggage again, but it also gave me another glimpse of hope I can invest in.   It, in some obscure manner, put me to see certain things in another light.
• Now I can fully concentrate on my studies full swing.
• Thanks people from SWO for the warmth when I needed it. It kinda cleared some worries away.
• Happy birthday Jian Wei! Its not everytime you turn 18. Enjoy while it “still” lasts! We hope the donuts, the presents, lol everything was worth it.
• Quite pleased to see people around me getting happier.
• Looking forward to the chalet!

Ive been digging the locked blog for entries in 06 07..etc.
As much as I realised some of them are superficially childish, some of them seems very sentimental. Experiences are what shaped our lives and mature as we go along.  I still have a bittersweet feeling about my blog post. Some parts of the blog was quite incoherently obscure. I couldn’t remember why was I ranting in that manner. But anyways, I admit, my secondary school days may be ok on the studying side, but the social factor was quite a tiring journey. Some moments are so blisfully happy while some others just quite dejecting and depressing.  I can’t really remembereed what I feel back then but its good to check through the earlier pages of our lives once in a blue moon. Long story short, I cannot see myself the same person I was back then. The semblences are quite few actually. At least, in the current day and age, I managed to control my emotions better with emotional maturity.

Yep, a walk down memory lane.

For one, I had the capacity to do alot more than what I should have done. I didn’t realise how bitter I was because of what I perceive doing so much more for a friend and being bitter at the world for the injustices done to me. I guess thats what kinda shaped my individuality, but not selfishness. I remember how I related one of my friends to be the closest friend, but never understands the situation I’m going through, let alone, empathise and listen. Another just label me as a friend, in fact, bullying me with names all the time. Why was I quite a meek, target-able person? On another level, my old blog speaks of me not being malcontented and such a bitter pessimist all the time. I was still daring to meet new friends and change my lifestyles and habits. I guess I was in for a change in 07. There were fine happy times too. I will just post up some, extracts of it.

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Yes at you, you , you, you and you.

And this time,  I am not annoyed at humans but at the machinery. For the first time in my life never have I got so frustrated at machines. Everything in the world is falling apart. Yes and this starts at home. So my house is STILL relatively new,  about 9-10 years (still new you know). But it seems like it have been for 20. Like seriously, how can you function in the house when a refrigerator breaks down. It makes my routinic waking up in the morning, and instinctively walking to the fridge quite redundant. And I hate things I do to be redundant.

Now should I play the blame game? Should I blame my/our poor maintainence or the Japan-made machines. Firstly, its the radio (partially my fault as I accidentally blasted the radio to full volume and  it just got wired out). Then the TV set which isn’t the flat screen one (ok fine this one is 10 years old but a 10 year old TV breaking down is PATHETIC) Then the TOILET is going out of control. The flushing system is screwed. It seems like the house is protesting for a revolution here but hello, in times of recession you have to break down? Now? And I realised in term 2 my DELL laptop screen failed on me.

Seriously, the age of service brings us farcical promises.  I have annoyingly bad experience in contacting DELL support which takes hours and the only time they operate is during office hours which coincide with my school hours.  Awesome.  Yes, we want both functionality and durability. But circumstances culminates to a point that I WANT  more importance on durability and quality over various functionalities. Seriously, I don’t think my family needs a…let say fridge that can provide that bullshit photosynthesis to vegetables when it cannot last more than let say 5 months…OK that may be an exaggerated example but seriously NO USE GETTING 3529857 functions which cannot last.

Today is the last straw. It annoys me to the max. The clarinet is well, generally quite obedient till recently. Leakages are fine unless it produces a funny funny sound. And it gets annoying during rehearsals. But to my horror upon inspecting the pads, they are leaking very badly. The whole cigarette paper got damp after few presses, and yes thats really really appalling. Ok fine, that pad is somehow, fixed for the time being. And then another one fails on me.

Holidays are meant for me to relax and not fix things. I hate admin work, bad QC, bad customer service. Yes like we need this now???     I’m going to take a shower

P.S. I just realised the heater switch in one of the toilets went bogus.

When foresight fails...

Remember the time I was in Italy? The homely town of colleferro gives you two co-existing emotions.
1) The amazement and longing to be there, enjoying every single bit.
2) The longing to be with your loved ones.
And also in Europe you can experience more than just a hot-cold weather. I mean, I still long waking up, settling my feet in the slippers, walking towards the main door, opening it up just to see the romantic dawn with the slow whisper of the winds of winter.  And the mild wispy breeze with lilac scent covering me like a thick blanket which is quite refreshing. I was the only one awake in the family then, even the dog sneered through its eyelids. I don’t deny winter is a good weather to sleep, if not hibernate. And the morning grew warmer, albeit still +/- 5 degrees, you still feel alive. You think the trees are dancing, the shuffling sounds of the dog climbing here and there, davide’s mom perpetually nagging at him for oversleeping (though I can understand due to the weather), yeah you can feel the life permeating through the atmosphere.

While Singapore since the return has been quite, well, lifeless. I mean yes, Singapore can be busy but may just not be alive. Colleferro is merely a rural lonesome town that fills itself with life vis-a-vis Singapore which is just quite..sad in its urban gloom. Perhaps this is what urban life gives you, nothing more than just a busy life. You may be preoccupied but not alive.

Italy taught me one thing. It somehow..  broke the barrier. The barrier between acting to live and livng especially in Singapore  where conditions prove harder us to actually know what we want.

searching

If we could only stop time and question ourselves, the answer to what we are doing is we are blind. Perhaps its natural to be blind on many levels. Blind towards yourself, blinded by your own reality, blinded by the reality of others, blind from your lofty goals which is no more than a nondescript artificial construct. Who the heck knows the origins and motivations of our goals, what more, the things we do everyday? It is as such because we don’t really have a true goal unless it is about happiness or security or even..face. So based on all that materialism, the functionality is of course pragmatism. I do because I need. But its very bad enough some of our wants transform into needs.

I have a love-hate relationship of sitting on the bench of the bus-stop, especially where the place is vacant, lonesome and still in the darkness.  Hate because the bus takes bloody hell long of a time to arrive with a growing appetite. Love because, it gives me much time to think about things, sometimes leaving me a little poignant. Yesterday was no different.  What has been orientating my life was not just the most-travelled path but the ones less taken by variety. Sometimes its very scary. Not feared by the path taken but by the direction it leads us to. For one thing, for such a person may seem undisturbed and giving two hoots about nothing, deep down, the person may be the one with more insecurities, in tandem with the hopes he has.

That itself is backed by trust….or self-trust…or perhaps pseudo-trust if there is such a thing anyway.  For one thing  recently, this game of trust is pulling me to the edges.  I don’t know if I can trust what I’m doing sometimes. I don’t know if I can trust the person I confide in. I don’t know if that party trusts me in my doings. Trust should not be a fluid game. You act but restricted by the amount of trust pressured upon  you. Once breached, you’ve lost it.  But also, trust is not about how tight you grip to a my hands amidst the darkness, its also how you really let go of it, yet feeling the same way like how you first gripped it.

The bus stop had me thinking much enough.