The written Chronicles

Lets start with the negatives first (and i hope i don’t sound incoherent with my thoughts here and there.)

• My life is full of this – People don’t like it when I get onto their nerves. But when I try my best not to or even not getting on their nerves a single bit, I feel like a punching bag when people will try to find faults with me and resent my presence. It sometimes feel like I’m never right or never was in the first place. Fikri = wrong.
• A cumulative mix of anger and sadness. Anger, because I find myself trailing on the same problem again  with people making it harder. Don’t call me selfish or anything or whatever, in fact, I can be nice. I can go all out to help you, ensure you are alright, even having to see you everyday in school. But I compromise my pride, my self-importance too much for others. And I can’t help but feeling a deep emotional wound when people call me tactless. II feel nothing else but injustice. Angered at myself, because I allow myself to be pushed in this situation. I never vented my anger at anyone. Why am I such good diplomat?

  Sad,  because perhaps, I have no friends at all.  Hi-and-bye friends don’t count. And just when you think you have the proper one to trust in, you don’t feel the trust reciprocated. In fact betrayed even more. I don’t have someone I can rely, trust, confide. Because of the mounting accusations, I feel villian-ish. If you really hate me so much just leave me alone.   I don’t need false hopes. It is perhaps my fate to walk on this journey alone then.  Actually I can live with it I’m also kind of tired in entertaining such people. Because I mean nothing to people.

• “At least you don’t bow at the direction of Mecca right”, “Aiya, food is much more easier when there are no Malays around la”.
  I just simply got nothing to say. I really have nothing to say anymore.
• If things cannot work out in a convenient manner, I just have to make it right myself. I cannot escape the fact I’m turning adult soon. Warranty, service, whatever admin work, I just have to make it right myself. I cannot rely on anyone whom I think I can do the work anymore.
• I do shoulder blames not of my own. I may help people, but its getting too much. I don’t do “cover-ups”. I feel more of an asswipe now. I do not wanna explain for other people when they cannot explain theirself or making someone understand situations anymore. Bloody do your own bloody work. Cause its your future anyway
• I thought you are interested, and it means alot to me that I do so much since you are interested. I guess I was wrong.
• I really need to be alone. It may sound ego-ist, selfish, self-absorbed, yadda yadda. But its too messy now, and if it starts to be foggy, I cannot see through anything anymore. Also i want to be alone. I want to re-think my life again.
• I miss SSW. If only I have more freedom with lesser commitments. Sorry. Sunday trainings may be intensive,  but Saturday trainings have special saturday feeling. But no one is too old for SSW!

Positives

• Thanks people for coming to my concert! A new bunch of friends who are not musically inclined yet willing to come anyway. Nelson, claudia, doralyn, jian wei, pei-yi you guys rocks
• Loved the concert. Queen may have underscored certain emotional baggage again, but it also gave me another glimpse of hope I can invest in.   It, in some obscure manner, put me to see certain things in another light.
• Now I can fully concentrate on my studies full swing.
• Thanks people from SWO for the warmth when I needed it. It kinda cleared some worries away.
• Happy birthday Jian Wei! Its not everytime you turn 18. Enjoy while it “still” lasts! We hope the donuts, the presents, lol everything was worth it.
• Quite pleased to see people around me getting happier.
• Looking forward to the chalet!