The written Chronicles

But i woke up today again to find myself sleeping till 5.30pm.

Scruffy, un-showered, and weak.

I can stay in bed moping and having more melancholic dreams (Idid have those and I WAS questioning myself in those dreams about my life)

or

I should wake up and live.

And because I want I gain it, or will have it.

“I do not think there is any other quality so essential to success of any kind as the quality of perseverance. It overcomes almost everything, even nature.” John D. Rockefeller

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Few more updates till I really go into hiatus mode.
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New found motivation to

1. Get my malay improved
2. Get maths done everyday
3. Study and revise everyday despite the slack environment in MI
4. Get transposition done and printed
5. Learn and internalize all major, minor (nat,melodic,harmonic), pentatonic and dominant 5th on the clarinet and piano (for visual aid)

And my sem 2 resolution in place (but for what reveal this to the public)

Things to look forward to

1) Chumpa’s Birthday!!!
2) My Birthday
3)Getting pilot study done
4) PEIYI’s concert next friday (thanks for attending my concert btw!   )

And Claudia, my top girls commentary is still with you!! TSK

6) From the successes of the concert and the well received queen symphony,  Sale of Queen Symphony by Sembawang Wind Orchestra Live Recording is available! I’ve listened to it and its like OMG quite nice!! Can’t believe SWO’s playing sounded abit like the recording from Royal Philharmonic, and at some point I THOUGHT THERE WAS A CHOIR. ooh, phantom choir during the concert. And guess what,I’m not the only one who heard the choir effect!!

Coming back to school today was very symbolic. Because it felt autumnal.  And compounded onto that fact is that we were going through a literal analysis of the two poems that some did for the mid years. It was about death. But it was about life too. The first poem was moving. The poets attitude is as such : resignation of what has happened, shaped by fate but holds the spirit of carpe diem. And then it ends off  ambivalently. That itself is life. Everyone was silent. Everyone was hoping not to repeat the same fate the occured a year ago. They really want to pass it this time. Amidst the silence you can sense both the hope and regret in everyone. Regret because judging by the answer schemes, we speculate lower marks than initially expected. As for me, I really hope what I’ve put into during the holidays materialise properly.

These past few days have been reflective and suprisingly emotionless and nonchalence for me. I have an unprecedented want to be ever more cautious. Hearing too much death stories in that time period isn’t nice, be it from the news, from a poem, from a fiction, from a true account. But it serves as a timely reminder. It never occured to me life can be so delicate, so fragile.

I went home after school to catch some 40 20 winks. I watched the movie the day after tomorrow.

Jason Evans: What do you think is gonna happen to us?

Jack Hall: What do you mean?

Jason Evans: I mean us? Civilization? Everybody?

Jack Hall: Mankind survived the last Ice Age. We’re certainly capable of surviving this one. All it depends on is whether or not we’re able to learn from our mistakes.

Knowing the survivors triumph over the odds and adversities, warms me inside. It gives a glimpse of hope to us, to others and all mankind. What Jack said had just punched verismilitude in our lives, metaphorically. We had our past challenges, socially,  spiritually etc. It really put me into perspective of the miles my parents have went far. Broken families are of their past, and the lives that we live today is a testimony to their efforts. Good food on the table, a proper bed to sleep, and a stable household.
And upon hearing moments of death and other unpleasant occurences , turning the matter onto its head, its a new life. Its simply the cyclical forces of change. For the spirit of ourselves is like one of the phoenix rising from the ashes, rebirthed. It may not literally be the death of life but the death of happiness, hope, vision, or faith. Because subsequently, it is just new found happiness, or hope or vision or faith. Not identitical or similar, but the gurantee is better.

As for myself, my dreams were shattered into million bits with rejection being a bitter pill to swallow.  Without it, I wouldn’t have gained new vision – seeing something ordinary with new pair of eyes, or even changed my ways.  Or has it?

Because I am numb yet a nut. Ok that didn’t make sense.

I’m feeling glad afterall. Its because maybe I need this afterall. I don’t really wallow in my dreamland that much. I mean I still fantasize, hope and wait for the special one but its not as hormonal as the one I had in the early 09. Its probably subjects that are close to heart never should be dealt with in my case. I just need a good wait.  Perhaps not at all a wait when I  don’t think I should be getting one either. Though I still wait to grab her palms, squeezing it in comfort. Knowing I can seek solace in her and vice versa, discovering the depth of each other but sometimes I’ve always been quite like

like that.

anyway drifting into the future, my parents are going to go to m’sia, which leaves me literally home alone with my brother in the camp, I think that really spelt F-R-E-E-D-O-M. and also spell no more having to fear having catching me naked in the bathroom with the faulty door. I think someone should fix things right in this house. And they are gone right…hmm. Maybe I should get more money as an excuse to sustain myself and fix those bloody things for once and for all. I don’t really know how to put it but as much as my father suppresses, I can see a child in him. Like how he tends to procrastinate doing things which don’t really bother him.

The house can be still awfully noisy for such an ulu setting in sembawang. I don’t know what traumatic experiences Sembawang has faced over the past 10 years. I still remember snuggling up to my dad’s embrace because I fear the ‘lurking’ pontianaks and the ultra-solemn quiet sembawang back then. But I guess when it gets urbanised, it loses more of its ambience (heh, I still can recall blasting my clarinet solo of star wars during 11ish when I was in  sec one and I kinda heard the neighbourS echoes of complaints) and yes Sembawang used to be as quiet as the prayer room (which once i fear praying because I had that imagination a pontinak was lurking around. Now what has sembawang turn into? A place where mats frolick with their hats worn dubiously to show off that it can store alot of air between its top and the space between the hollow heads, when bangladashi workers recklessly sped their bikes (and i meant really really fast), where PRCs speak so loudly in the Macdonalds, and where the roadworks are still on even at this hour 11pm.

And for me walking in the house naked/half-naked, the fear has never change because of lurking pontianaks that might rape me.

What’s the point of this post again?

You should know why I’m happy and excited. Because Ive just printed Aaron Copland Clarinet concerto from esplanade lib and I thought it is hard to be found. Anyway, I finally got a breather. Now chilling at Starbucks with Gary and Love(isthe)Movement Alif. Turns out that Gary is flirting with the idea of playing a concerto for Symphonie V. I’m only flirting with Serenade for Clarinet and band or Nikolai Rimsky Korsakov (boring).  Aaron Copland Clarinet concerto can wait till I’m 22-ish.

Anyway take a breather when you need it people, because you don’t know when is the next time when you actually do.

Those emo songs worked.
It irritated the hell out of me finally so I decided that when I’m feeling bored, I will occupy myself and not listen to emo songs and stone.  Yes not even emo just stone.

Ive been feeling such a numbnut today. I became like a drifting aimless wind after my Econs paper. (which was boring and i speculate..sigh average score). I planned to go to pastamania but I decided Iwant the city escapade. Fine, went to the city and wanted the 7 buck set meal from Pizza hut from marina square but went to have Beef hor fun instead. Went to esplanade to  erm. pen down some thoughts but I guess I was kinda exhausted after the paper (and holy fuck it wasn’t even a 3 hour paper) I guess it was the ONS with my Restaurant City and its increasing alarming how im turning into an RC geek. Maybe because I have no friends and/or my friends are effing busy with work consolidation. So I stopped studying, decided that i had too much CO2 and aircon gas in my system so I went to the atrium to get some corn-cup and slacked by  the waterfront. Tried sleeping in the train back home but ended up stoning again wtffffff.

So Ive not studied anything this week, just hope I don’t screw up badly. And if I can be terribly bilingual in 14 hours, it would be of the awesomeness miracle I’ve witness for the MT oral. I am not going to chronicle the oral examinations. Last time I heard, shawn’s classmates for Chinese O’s was about aliens and spaceships. That was abso-fucking-lutely epic. If they are coming out about cultural stereotypes, perhaps i can champion that.

*Huge Gasp of depravity*

I NEED TO HANG

The paradox of excitement

For the record, I need to feel proud about something

1. I am less apprehensive and relatively more adventurous
2. I hooked up new contacts on my msn with interesting personas (though not far from ordinary)
3. Managed to remember the songs I used to like when i was 13 (before the proliferate classicals)
4. Being such a fag wasting this day away.
5. The sky is always blue (Yea told you Im being a numbnut today)
6. Watched TV.
7. Knowing
   

   that this serves my moments of epiphany. Funny epiphany OOH HALF-RHYME

8. Knowing he has bigoted friends and he is rigtht
9. Knowing he is not in any way better er just shoot me

My life should be less of a drag, maybe thats what my JC friends have been complaining about and I can see myself in the same boat. AS MUCH AS I WANT THE A GRADES badly, I want to start life afresh. Again -.- Don’t you know the holidays spells fat lazy and unproductive?

With pocket money deficits, the lomocam, or dslr remains a dream