I would really like to record down certain memories for posterity sake, especially the ugly ones, so that I could take a trail down memory lane and laugh at it and feeling amused by all this stupidity. I would have. After a while of thinking, I guess it is really not worth the pursuit.
Sometimes I vacillate between too many identities I don’t know who am I anymore. Are all these facets somehow represent me in a larger picture? Or perhaps, I am actually progressing away or reverting back to old attitudes in this process? Wouldn’t this be disconcerting? Especially the people who you value couldn’t accept these changes or another faction of ‘dissenters’ would want me to move away from certain attitudes into conformity for the bigger social unit. In which, would be out of good taste but in necessity.
Of late, I have this adoration for people who are, in essence, well-liked and well received. I’ve seen them, I’ve talked to them, I’ve observed them do their work and they go on in life without a certain concern at all. No they are not high or on drugs but its a little bit perplexing to how such people could be so easy-going; as if there are no attitudes that repulse them, and even if they do, they understand how to circumvent it easily. I’ve been analyzing over my own adoration and relating it to my personal self-worth and my external image I project. Should I go to the ‘darker’ side ? A judgement I’ve laden upon such characters as submissive to the approval of others in my own upbringing. Or should I remain steadfast in my personal values resist succumbing into popular opinion (in doing so I may reject my belief in my individuality, my faith, and in essence the whole ideology I live by), even if it means making a lot of enemies?
It is of recent development that amidst the internal strife, between people and people, between myself and people and between myself and myself, in a weird sense, I found peace within. It is weird. I had a lucid dream of me hugging someone (and face and gender unidentifiable — an angel perhaps?). It was requited, lasted for quite a while and it seemed to resonate the words of the series Pushing Daisies.
“It’s like an emotional Heimlich. Someone puts their arms around you and they give you a squeeze and all your fear and anxiety come shooting out of your mouth in a big wet wad and you can breath again.”
Except that in doing so, there was inner warmth emanating from the inside that expands outwards, embracing my entire world, blanketing all worries out with this sheer tranquility.
That in itself was the peace I found and the revelation I had. We don’t only belong to ourselves. We belong to people?
Sometimes it is about finding the right people to live by and go on easily without any major rift and juvenile squabbling. Sometimes its about finding, not just the right people but a better perceptiveness towards others, to be able to let them into our lives instead of merely repressing somethings in ourselves to achieve this stability.
But of course, I am both confused yet nonchalant at the appropriate degree. Every time I go through this crisis of identity, I am certain that things would work out for me without knowing how and why and what would the alternative outcome wout be. Even when that means people are kicking up dirt against my face and blowing things out of proportion, without saying a word in the aftermath. I am sure trust in an element here in forging bonds. Problem is, I am brought up in an environment not to easily trust others. People think I am naively over-guarded but given the environment — its better that way.
