Of late I’ve tasted an uneasy mix of experiences. Of both profound yet fond sense of belonging along with an ambivalent sense of alienation. Of letting go of the past but making reminders of the past for the practical future. Maybe I was seeking some change that cause me to vacillate between the two polar opposites yet feel comfortable with either. In efforts to sustain a sense of hope amidst a sense of loss, I was ready to brace for anything unexpected to come my way. Let me elucidate what I’m feeling without revealing too much.
I have already decided on my future plans which may seem ambitious and bold. But I know my past follies are going to catch up with me and serve to doubt my choices. It is to reapply for law. And this time, I would not falter.
I know its hypocritical of me to state that law is my calling given the fact that I do not even read some of the subscribed issues of Singapore Law Watch out of dryness and a certain disinterest towards some of the pettiness of the cases. Then again, given that I’ve gathered so much motivation to explore this old love (the pursuit of being a litigator), no one can fault me anymore in being aimless in such a mind-numbing environment. This entails feeling the intense self-consciousness and restraint from trying to bring up any intellectual or a seemingly academic issue in a place where academic buzzwords and intellectual discourse isn’t really appreciated. NS. And yet I care so much of the judgments that might come my way. What am I really afraid of? I know just because I’m socially assimilated in such environment doesn’t give me an excuse to forgo my own interests. Poetry, debating , current affairs, politics, music are my loves but I neglected all these like a mole burrowing this under frivolities of consoles, card games, inane movies, and things that feeds my thirst for entertainment to get by boredom. Especially in CNB.
Sometimes I wonder if my obsession for new music (mainstream and classical) has transmuted my old passions.
What am I doing?
But I admit, I love breaking out of routines. Which is why one day spent doing Romeo sentry duties gave my soul a new lease of freshness it has longed for very long. But I digress from what I wanted to blog about originally.
The subject of love is quiet potent these days. Especially when Valentine has just passed by and spending time in camp scrolling what people had to share about their valentines was interesting. Especially when you have a lot of time in mounting. Some are downright bitter, some are ignorant in a sickening manner, some are optimistic and some are downright cheesy with their declarations of love. Me? I’m just glad I’m off the topic to the extent I feel insulated and numb by it. I’ve not been searching and my calculations prove it would’ve been futile to. There would always be a listless longing to be with someone, an selfish need for another to feed my ego. I would always have a re-evaluation on both modern courtly love and the need for mutual spiritual fulfillment on this issue. So much to think about to pass time during duties but as soon as I think I’m getting close to getting a form of answer or hint, I erased the need for it completely just like changing channels on the remote. Right now I’m happy with what I am. Not being emotionally needy. Not being too insensitive and trying to feel out for those who are somewhat troubled — by love and for the love of love. I don’t think I need to go heads over heels for anybody and the last time I was in such a torment was exactly 2 years ago.
I did listen to the songs that reminded me of those crushes and sometimes I wonder why am I that silly and how naively idealistic I can be. Because back then, shit hasn’t got real — much less any shit got to me actually.
