I do not embrace loneliness, it embraces me.
I just remembered about it, loneliness is more than just sheer emotion. Its a phase, situation, a psychological state. – Been there done that. There are many a times I just gawk into blank space – its one of my nature since growing up. I never failed to love bus rides because it compels me into doing that especially on darker days
It was just recently when I had my bath, I was oblivious to my surrounding with my blank stare into nothingness. This was a norm when I was in secondary student myself. But really, it dawned upon me like a relevation – there is more to than what “A sense of belonging” had to convey, a short story to express the perpetual situation of itself. If I were to reflect enough almost everyone lived in companionship while for all my life I was a wanderer without any close friends. If i were to reminisce my own days in my childhood, having more friends only worsen the situation sometimes – I was feeling like a lone stranger in a bunch of other living beings. Bottomline : the bigger the party, the lonelier i felt.
Does it always had to be a feeling i want to escape from? I always give a perpetual yes without a second thought. At times I don’t feel it, at times I do. But most of the time it is the dichotomy between personalities that cause me to feel that situation. Then relating to the story, I not only remembered but realised the situation lasts a lifetime – sometimes you do sometimes you don’t. Only recently I don’t feel a sense of attachment to anything.
The only reason I hate this because it actually taints the colour of my life. Like HDTV basking in its own vivid colors flashing instantaneously to a dull, dog-eyed, tinted black and white. The question always comes to mind about my own identity and the place of my being : Where do I exactly belong? Am I satisfied or under-satisfied?
Alas, i will stop here with no intention to go on because of a intricate question hard to be answered. And I just let this phase grip me for now because any attempt to overcome it will just speak of my selfish nature (to myself) Why is progressing and then retrogressing a vicious cycle?
Filed under: Reflections
Its just this week that we were asked to do target setting for our grades for MY and promos. But really I find nothing interesting from that. Sure I might get a couple of Cs with my low-lying esteem. A B average would be kind of a miracle if something happens to me. But seriously, I don’t find a point in the target setting when I don’t know my freaking subject combinations. I’ve always wanted to be a civil servant but I just can’t see what do I really want to carve out in the future. Then maybe that is what is hindering me from excelling in future. No clear aspirations = no clear target = no real motivation.
Its quite a heartwarming story to hear la, to see that some people really had gotten out of their backseats brimming with motivation and taking the lead later. I have always wanted a change in the society for a cause. My dream in life is just to create A CHANGE. 1 change in life might not seem alot to you, but if i cause that change, it might just as well be the snowball effect and the root of all changes.
=/
Filed under: Reflections
Went to watch the game plan today. Whilst watching it, I, again had too many thoughts running in my mind but I am a little lazy to write it out.
Went to buy a birthday card for her. I don’t really know whether was it a good idea but I just did it impromptu. Wasn’t sure if I show up in front of her she would tear it up but I appeared on her door. Her mother showed up at the door and it was a huge relief. I’m not intimidated, I just hate to see people who are petty, or as i imagined. But I am sure that we both know she changed from 2 years ago
