I do not embrace loneliness, it embraces me.
I just remembered about it, loneliness is more than just sheer emotion. Its a phase, situation, a psychological state. – Been there done that. There are many a times I just gawk into blank space – its one of my nature since growing up. I never failed to love bus rides because it compels me into doing that especially on darker days
It was just recently when I had my bath, I was oblivious to my surrounding with my blank stare into nothingness. This was a norm when I was in secondary student myself. But really, it dawned upon me like a relevation – there is more to than what “A sense of belonging” had to convey, a short story to express the perpetual situation of itself. If I were to reflect enough almost everyone lived in companionship while for all my life I was a wanderer without any close friends. If i were to reminisce my own days in my childhood, having more friends only worsen the situation sometimes – I was feeling like a lone stranger in a bunch of other living beings. Bottomline : the bigger the party, the lonelier i felt.
Does it always had to be a feeling i want to escape from? I always give a perpetual yes without a second thought. At times I don’t feel it, at times I do. But most of the time it is the dichotomy between personalities that cause me to feel that situation. Then relating to the story, I not only remembered but realised the situation lasts a lifetime – sometimes you do sometimes you don’t. Only recently I don’t feel a sense of attachment to anything.
The only reason I hate this because it actually taints the colour of my life. Like HDTV basking in its own vivid colors flashing instantaneously to a dull, dog-eyed, tinted black and white. The question always comes to mind about my own identity and the place of my being : Where do I exactly belong? Am I satisfied or under-satisfied?
Alas, i will stop here with no intention to go on because of a intricate question hard to be answered. And I just let this phase grip me for now because any attempt to overcome it will just speak of my selfish nature (to myself) Why is progressing and then retrogressing a vicious cycle?
Did something constructive with my clarinet playing again. Since its rusty, I practiced more obviously and just have to practice more to gain back my touch. Reading notes is not hard, just reading fast is, ever since I didn’t touch it for 2 months.
For people who know me for the first time, my name is Fikri – proud of it that is, no matter how many people try to mock me with names like freaky, fig tree and etc. Its kinda hard for you to fathom me at times but thats just who I am. I don’t really have a complex character – its the simplistic minds who view me like that. Not really a band-geek(not really an offensive term) but I am just musically-inclined and artistically inclined – empowered by intellectual thoughts and creativity. Yes, I am proficient in English (I do make some grammar glitches at times though), but I don’t really show my prowess of words. If you are believing into the fact that I used too much “bombastic words”, then someone managed to brainwash you.
I am religious – not exactly a devout Muslim yet. I’m just daring to stand out from everyone, because I am not easily brainwashed by the negative views of the world. All those could just be a facade la. Call me judgmental, but if you know me well enough for a long time, you will know that I have toned down from a highly egotistical, cynical person to what I am today. I do still comment on others to – most of the time are factual from my own perspective, but I am not trying to impose that views on you. Well like my saying goes, the more you know me, the more you know me. Period.
For people who already knows me, I am ever-trying to get some fresh air. I need to escape from people who planted a seed of negative views on me and let it grow and multiply. It might be just a self-absorbed statement but its not in my control isn’t it? Thus, a very new blog is born – after my O levels where I want to get a fresh life ever since. Lost some touch in my clarinet playing a lot since I concentrated on my studies. My biggest worries are my embouchure. Need to occupy myself, haven’t being able to be doing much by just staying at home. I don’t find staying at home a blessing in this month.
O levels, wasn’t that bad or good either. Not that bad means the papers that are easy can be done but not good as I am afraid how they are going to judge my papers. It was an interesting year this year in comparison to other mundane years where I spent my time at home gawking in mid air. Currently having a hard time trying to get players into SSW, especially CSSBAND who are ever unadventurous, unexciting and some not disciplined. Oboe players are hiding, seriously.
Somehow I want to get in contact with old friends – be it people whom I had conflicts with or not. But not everyone la, for those who still can’t take a hint, you will eventually get the hint.
