The written Chronicles

Thanks Fiona and Joyce for attending our OP!

2 days before the math exam. I did only so much, but would it reciprocate into results? How to tell my confidence apart from indifference? If I’m confident, its a good thing right? But I’m fearing its the otherwise. Some of  the days prior to this was not productive at all.

I hope it would be as easy as the 2007 paper and maybe about the 2008 paper. Thus far, I am going to convince myself, that I am capable of passing. But if I want to achieve much more, I need to try harder questions. CUT DOWN ON CARELESS MISTAKES.

It will be nice if both my PW and Math would reach A standards. Mr Chew sounded convinced of my EOM and I&R. Our WR will be alright. I know we did our best in OP, as quoted from Fiona, “I went to support fikri’s OP and they were really good(: awesome!” Ok. Thats reassuring. No more PW and Malay =)
2 more days to pwn maths. Actually I will be contented with a C/B  which is substantial. But am i settling for less when I can do more?

*Handphone Vibration*
*answer*

Me:Hello?
Little Girl : HEEELLLOOOOO DADDDYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
Me: O.O ..
Me:…
(Damn freaky, since when i got a daughter) ..
Me:…uh……wrong number.
Little Girl: DAAADDY???
Me: O.O wrong. number.

Just non-descript and vacnt.Yet I didn’t know why I stayed throughout.

There is only little reassurance,

or none at all,

knowing if you get there,

trailing on a journey,

alone.

It dawned unto me how the bus and autumn share alot in common. One of it is transition. Transitions are inherent in both. And such is life.

Until upon further introspection, it just scares me of being able to handle transitions well or not. You have taken a bus with your companion. Perhaps, someone you know. Perhaps also a person you connect with, journeyed through the rain or storm. The more you ride, the more you grew closer and got on more fond being besides each other. Little does one wonder, as ultimately, you belong to different worlds.  Buzz the bus-stop button, you know one of you will alight first. One down, and the other, and another.And another boards the bus, and another and another.

We may not walk the same journey home. We just hope our paths converge in future.

A level Malay next monday. I felt confident I could do better but the enthusiasm is oddly not there. A level H1 maths in 2 weeks time and I have consolidated as much as i know. PW is coming to a close and that should make me happy.

It has been a while since promos. Its very annoying if I want to apply for H3 (despite the red tape in the school) and if the system devalue the potential of the student just because it may jeapardise his H2s…which contrary to the fact that it is very complimentary considering the subjects are inter-linked but I just have to explore more dimensions. If i make a calculated guess, my H2s would be BBC, and hopefully a C for GP (which my year 1 GP thought that was lackadaisical considering I’m cut out to acheive a B grade and beyond). I have to confess, I still do wanna take H3 research paper MOE-NUS HSSR but usually the school says the the school don’t offer it, and the school will say no student has ever done it before and hence the basis for rejection. In history, Kar yee and Jon were capable students who ought to be given A CHANCE. I shouldn’t see why shouldn’t I if i want to take H3 history considering I got high A/low B for history for Promos (raw score) and had been getting no lower than Bs for major exams since year 1s. It may not be easy, but an attempt at it would constitute 1 more unit which makes me eligible for a scholarship…even a teaching scholarship which ive been eyeing on.  Red tape? Its no wonder people who have a chance in MI are really jaded by options. Those who can’t do well have limited options, in prospect of advancing or retaining of course. Those who did well (and exceptionally well), are jaded by options by the school full of skepticism. For all I know, my JC friends couldn’t have done better than me in year 1 considering I covered more topics and in depth. So I really don’t see why is there so much limitations when a student clearly has a passion for and has a minimum aptitude for. Contrary to the school’s programmes, they want us to realise our talents in CCAs also and that is quite parochial in fact.

But other than that, it has been at the back of my mind. PW and Maths have been dominating my life since. Facebook remains my favourite waste of time and I just downloaded GBA emulator to play pokemon yellow / pokemon firered.

And after that 14-19th of November….JAPAN..

and i will be enjoying life after that. I hope.

I’m not sleeping now nto because I’m worried but rather feeling pensive.

I’m surprised that I’m coping better than what I set out to do. In this month, I’m preparing for 3 major H1 examinations compared to my other jc counterparts who has only 2…or even only 1 in that case.

Dreams, you let go some, you get new ones. But there are still some reason (or none at all) to why I hold on. Its funny how my simple dreams are the ones I think of everyday, instead of the humongous dreams.

I know in 7 hours time, it might be the turning point for the year 2 cohort. I hope things work the best for everyone.

And you came to mind again.

I know when I think I cannot improve the silence, its best not to talk.

…Somehow I thought I could believe, and wanted to. But sometimes when it gets ambivalent. It seemed like an misinterpreted intention.  Yet the last statement seemed clear enough. Sometimes I don’t know what to do, to judge and rationalise or to stop and empathise, or just do not care about anything at all. Even so, was I wrong in venturing/harbouring into such ideas…? I would allow myself to believe if you allow me to.

Sometimes its easy to know why you have no thirst.

(more…)

A longing endearment.

“Wallowing in solitude – is nothing but natural, in times you don’t know what – or more than ever, who to live for”

[6.00am] Snooze
[6.05am] Second Snooze
[6.07am] Mother bang on door. Wake up.
[6.15am] Someone using toilet. Curse.
[6.30am] Morning Prayers.
[6.45am] Look perfect. Wear Council Batch. Wear Contacts. Do up hair.
[6.50am] Go to door. Put on shoes. Take off shoes. Get something. Put on shoes…
[6.55am] Tune in MP3. Play Fly by monkey majik. Or play Mahler 5/fire bird suite.
[7.01am] tap in: NS11 Sembawang. Finish up tutorials/lectures.
[7.33am] tap out: NS2 Bukit Batok.
[7.45am] tap in: bus number 941/157/174/66 or cab. Frown at crowd.
[7.50am] Rush to General Office. Perform duty. Attach flags. Gather announcement. Call absentees.
[8.00am] National Anthem. Shout command to whole school / raise flag.
[8.15am] Read IRP/Finish tutorial. Go toilet.
[8.45am] Lessons starts.
[1.25pm] Lunchtime – Canteen. Mug. Sleep. Mingle.
[5.25pm] Lessons end.
[6.00pm] tap in: NS2 Bukit Batok. Go to NS 1 Jurong East. Bounce.
[6.45pm] tap out: NS11 Sembawang.
[7.00pm] Queue up at Sun Plaza. Order food. Study. Finish Homework. Emo.
[7.40pm] Read council smses. Write priority list. Remember to sign consent forms.
[8.45pm] Ring doorbell.
[9.30pm] Status: Online.
[12.00am] Status: busy.
[6.00am] Snooze…..
[7.01am] tap in…..

inspired by another blogpost.

Hold on hold on. Its not about me reliving an old route  in a new context. Just wait. Please?

So today, after econs paper, I had my lunch, slept with the laptop on. Well done. I guess if I had slept the night earlier, it would have been worthwhile in making my day last. I always had a thing about making my day last since childhood? I never really liked waking up missing a thing, or even a day. I could remember losing a day or two. Its about cherishing every second, even if it is to sit dog-tired in the train with a buddy next to you.  Even if we were too tired to talk,  I enjoyed the silent conversations – like thought bubbles meeting at a junction.  Or so i thought. But many a times, I knew days would not last. Sunsets had always given me that bittersweet feeling. Neither do I like the luminous shades of orange in the already dimming room. For one, it is a start of a new day (according to Islamic context) For another, its the end and sometimes never reassuring.

Talk about making my days last – I remembered life was more worth than urban shapes and squares. When i got up just now to instinctively get my drink (but ended up reaching for a yakult anyway), I stared at the Kitchen wares and storage spaces with a different introspection. All my life, we life in urban settings. It finally reminded of the time a friend (whom I treated to like a brother but I never knew why either), went bukit timah, where human existance were close to none during the busy weekdays. It was 2 years ago where I was relatively more naive and my threshold of stamina was…. to be desired. It felt serene and perhaps men were made to be with nature with natural contours. No more the year later, Ive decided to isolate myself from the urban in the  OBS 5 day course. I remembered kayaking around the pulau, and the waters were disgusting sometimes, but I liked it.

At least when I am one with the muddy ground and rainforest scent, it felt like the day did last. Perhaps it was for the fact that I kept my head out of the cyberspace.

I feel I needed something after exam hibernation. Perhaps a swim, or maybe the tree-top trail and Im quite self-reassured that I am no more that pathetic loser who cringe at the sight of suspiciously swinging leaves in a windless forestation.

A conversation between myself and a unidentified stranger (UNid), adult. Flashing daylight. Me sitting at the corner of the classroom.

Aura of things going horribly wrong.

Unid: So what happened?
Student 1: I don’t know,  but i am sure… (mumbles incoherently, fades away)
UNid: So thats it? K, lets fix this up.
Students: (Sigh)
Unid: Fikri, I hope you have an explanation for that. Shaking head in disapproval. Tell me what happened.  Write me a reflection (fades away)…
Fikri: Feeling accused yet reassured he has done nothing wrong and feeling agitated. Strangely the feelings faded. And remained non-descript.But I don’t get it, two things going wrong and I have nothing to do with it. Suddenly, I’m pulled into this issue as if I caused everything, or made it worse.

-Misty fog-

-Flashing shadows-

UNid morphes and takes shape into another person whom I am familiar with, yet not that close either. Alone

Fikri: Ms ******?
Unid: You know there is an obvious trend.
Fikri: What obvious trend?
Unid: We know when you do well and perform and sometimes,  you don’t.Well..
Fikri: How do you know?
Unid: Well, look here, you did well for this exams *points* and not so well for this *points* when your GP is performing, the rest too
Fikri: uh. Where? but.
Unid: Trust me, I know.
Fikri: But how do you know *lean back, skeptical*
Unid: Cause I’m your home tutor

Disarray, fades away. Blank

Awakened:  Time: 2.05pm