The written Chronicles

One could feel the mid-September looming, pervading the landscape a certain autumnal sense. I’ve never really fully admired nor hated September for its bittersweet connotations it brings – Sunset, Subtleness, Somber. It was more of a metaphor of closure which many may not be ready for, but resigned to the changes of time. Of course, I do have moments of relishing in Septembers, for its lack of austerity of submitting work and whatever I do is up to my own prerogative.

For one, I never really enjoyed getting up for sahur because of the weigh of my eyelids draping down. While there is an aura of drudgery at the dining table waking up at 5, I was also subconsciously enjoying the tranquility of the morning. Unlike most mornings, the urge of getting to school would leave the estate in echoes of iron gates clanging back to their repose, in tandem with the shuffling noises of strangers at the sidewalks always instinctively looking at their watches.  Walking to the station would always leave me in nostalgia, the worry-free Saturday mornings, indulging in the morning hum cheem pangs and yu char kway – often best eaten in cold rainy mornings (have to always remember that my family is  not even  distinctively Malay family). I always like indulging in the Saturday morning bliss watching mindless cartoons. But years have passed.

I don’t really hated growing up. It was my apprehensiveness of the future sometimes … which is always contradicting with my impatient hopes and dreams for the future. While September brings its own breed of unwinding atmosphere, it always gives a subtle void of emptiness. Or is it me? I always have the inertia to date my assignments and when I do, I’m stuck in the previous month. It actually dawned upon me that I’m just very dazed, narrating where I am and my whereabouts. It was also perhaps the undercurrent of numbness that I’m feeling right now, with my state of mind picking up after its own disarray. My life is perhaps losing its meaning with me entrenched in repetitive revisions.  I’ve actually never felt so much of a recluse individual.

I moped around.

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A dedication to you.

Little Wonders – Rob Thomas

Let it go
Let it roll right off your shoulder
Don’t you know
The hardest part is over
Let it in
Let your clarity define you
In the end
You will only just remember how it feels

Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders
These twists and turns of fate
Time falls away,
But these small hours
These small hours
Still remain

Let it slide
Let your troubles fall behind you
Let it shine,
Till you feel it all around you
And I don’t mind
If it’s me you need to turn to
We’ll get by
It’s the heart that really matters in the end

Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders
These twists and turns of fate
Time falls away
But these small hours
These small hours
Still remain

All of my regret
Will wash away somehow
But I cannot forget
the way I feel right now

In these small hours
These little wonders
These twists and turns of fate
Yeah, these twisted turns of fate
Time falls away
Yeah, but these small hours,
These small hours
Still remain

Yeah, oh they still remain
These little wonders
All these twists and turns of fate
Time falls away
But these small hours
These little wonders
Still remain

(Ignoring that heartbroken part)If anyone deserves that hang in there card in the period of time..

It should be me. I am anything beyond exasperated and exhausted. My spirit is lost. Ive not been even putting up my best. This hints that my motivation is running low. My attitude towards school sucks and I mean it. I’ve not handed in any malay assignment for the past 2 weeks. ‘Final’ draft of WR is due this friday, EOM due this week, GP essay and AQ (given today), must be completed by tomorrow. Economics test tomorrow. I don’t feel like doing anything but sleep after this. I need my motivation pill. The emptiness in me stretches over continents. I need purpose.

PROMO/PRELIM IN 2 WEEKS TIME. let me put it in euphemistic and morally sound terms. I try not to display my expletives but sometimes its like _|_ . Why is the MI system so uneven.

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So I realised I should have been more stationary. I couldn’t. Or at least, I would have been less inane in the statements I’ve made. Not that I wasn’t aware of what I was doing, and I can assure that I was. Perhaps I was just too bored to do some unchallengeable activity. I like how they actually use the word activity. It means being active in what you do. This is a paradox itself. It is just a mere euphemism to say that we should get our minds working and engaged but it doesn’t neccessary mean that we are moving ahead. Just active. Heh, activity. Then whats the use, you may go on a 100 years walking….walking in your head but you are back to where you are. It would have been more sad if ‘activity’ decides your life but you don’t know where would it lead to? Or is it that we all don’t know where would it even lead to but have faith in what we do. Heh, faith and activity. Some words that are often used but not brought up to mind. Things we actually do/have without questioning.

And life, its taking a new turn. Not the most liked situations nor the most hated of situations but awkward. Aiya, it just like the weather. It may have not been that bad, nor the best of it, but just awkwardly annoying. You got your umbrellas ready just in case it pours. You got your sun tan lotion ready just in case it is sunny so you can frolick happily at the beach. But in both situations, you have what you need to get ready but neither of these situations happen. Such of which is happening in my life. Not the best or worst of situations but a new awkward turn.

In any case, I, though meaning to get a breather for a long time, procrastinated in doing so. And when I mean long time I really mean long long time. Which explains why some of the work and ideas Ive done are just very uninsightful and dull. Walking life on a dragged footprint.

Touché

But i woke up today again to find myself sleeping till 5.30pm.

Scruffy, un-showered, and weak.

I can stay in bed moping and having more melancholic dreams (Idid have those and I WAS questioning myself in those dreams about my life)

or

I should wake up and live.

And because I want I gain it, or will have it.

“I do not think there is any other quality so essential to success of any kind as the quality of perseverance. It overcomes almost everything, even nature.” John D. Rockefeller

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Few more updates till I really go into hiatus mode.
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New found motivation to

1. Get my malay improved
2. Get maths done everyday
3. Study and revise everyday despite the slack environment in MI
4. Get transposition done and printed
5. Learn and internalize all major, minor (nat,melodic,harmonic), pentatonic and dominant 5th on the clarinet and piano (for visual aid)

And my sem 2 resolution in place (but for what reveal this to the public)

Things to look forward to

1) Chumpa’s Birthday!!!
2) My Birthday
3)Getting pilot study done
4) PEIYI’s concert next friday (thanks for attending my concert btw!   )

And Claudia, my top girls commentary is still with you!! TSK

6) From the successes of the concert and the well received queen symphony,  Sale of Queen Symphony by Sembawang Wind Orchestra Live Recording is available! I’ve listened to it and its like OMG quite nice!! Can’t believe SWO’s playing sounded abit like the recording from Royal Philharmonic, and at some point I THOUGHT THERE WAS A CHOIR. ooh, phantom choir during the concert. And guess what,I’m not the only one who heard the choir effect!!